Thursday, June 23, 2005

Want Katha's Vote?

Katha Sheehan, the Key West Chicken Lady, ran for Mayor of Key West in 2003. She won't do that again! But she recently sent this letter to the Editor of the Blue Paper. I expect that it will appear in tomorrow's edition.

Here's what a candidate will need to address to get Katha's vote. I agree with most of what she has to say, so there's a shot at getting mine too.

I hope that candidates for Mayor and City Commission are paying attention.

It's an election year, and candidates are starting to pop out of the woodwork.

Want my vote, Candidate? This is what I need to hear:

"I promise to never sell and re-sell and double-re-sell to you, that which you have already bought by birthright and by taxes."

"I will not charge you to assemble and voice your grievances in the streets, I will not make you play a lottery to obtain permits, I will not make you wait months to build or demolish, I will not treat your children and your grandparents as if they were terrorists."

"I will not tie your hands behind your back, strip you of the right to self-defense, and give the enemies of property and family the benefit of unending doubt."

"I will make no laws that give the rich and well-lawyered the benefit over the rest. I will make no laws to give the moochers the benefit over the hard-working. I will make no laws which give certain businesses the benefit of a police-enforceable monopoly, while crushing their competition."

"When people call me up and bitch at me in the middle of the night about something, I will take into consideration also the sentiments of the 99.99% of the citizenry that is perfectly content with our city, and doesn't call me up and harass me. I will not change all the city's character and customs just to get those juiced-up midnight monkeys off my phone."

"I will not diminish the rights of all of the population 100% of the time, just to stop 3% who are causing a problem 1% of the time."

"My government will be in the sunlight. No underhanded deals to be rid of the chickens, followed by backroom deals resulting in their undocumented disappearance."

(This is why the Chicken Store is boycotting ChickenFest this year. How can we dance in the streets when chickens who were sent to an alleged "paradise on earth" have not shown up there? Is it not true they have been used to bait lobster and stone crab traps, or have been fed to alligators? Deny this, City Fathers!!!)

"I will pass a resolution instructing the police chief to make enforcement of victimless crimes the very lowest priority. I want the police to be freed up to deal with the people who are actually hurting people, animals or property."

"I will eschew the opportunity to become a developer, social engineer, or philanthropist, and have buildings named after me at the taxpayer's expense."

"I will NOT hire Yes-men (or Yes-attorneys!) who tell me what I want to hear, even when it is going to be proven illegal, unenforceable, costly and impossible to defend."

My favorite candidate so far?



No, I am NOT running. Mayoral Race '03 was a moment of temporary insanity for me. After years of criticizing the system, I felt the obligation to put my money where my mouth is. I discovered however that most people who criticize the corrosive status quo, hope not to change it, but rather to profit from it by putting "their" sugar daddy in office instead. We get the government we deserve!

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